I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I have just turned 47. I am making efforts to take on my normal jaunty, radiant face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble.
While I have known for quite a while that I have issues with liquor, this book made me go up against them. however strangely support me to acknowledge I am not the only one. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. Developing to maturity was very difficult - my dad was a serial cheater, my mum had no self-respect and overweight, unpopular me was abandoned to take care of myself most of the time. Emotionally, I was totally self-reliant.
Strangely, I never drank in high school. Though, I went to University at an esteemed school which prided itself on its education'.and students prided themselves on their power to party. At that moment my journey of experiencing a free youth's world began, I often behave inappropriately - I tend to got hangovers because too much drinking last night, I tend passed out, and occasionally having inappropriate sexual activities.
I figured the main path for a hefty young lady to have a sexual experience was to be plastered with similarly as smashed young men.
On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.
With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.
Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both amid which I totally avoided, and did not miss it. As I got older, the stress of taking care of my parents and my sick child while dealing with my partner's lack of interest and poor temperament altered my ritual of having wine leisurely to a more frequent consumption.
My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.
When I got home - I can only think about enjoying that drink'. Trying to mix it, keep refiling it until I fall asleep or pass out until morning, honestly I can't focus on handling household mess, I tried so hard to get my ADHD boy focus on homework, prying the other one off of his iPod. On waking up, I check my phone to see whom I chatted when under the influence of alcohol.
Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.
I was more jovial than I had ever been. When the relationship got too serious and getting close we almost crossed the sexual line, then he pulled back. I have been ravaged and mourning this loss'.and the drinking heightened.
My cocktails comforted me they assisted the infliction.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The drunken episodes:
Getting completely drunk last Christmas at a cocktail party
I even got wasted at my sister's 50th birthday
Fuming messages on my iPhone
Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
Punching my better half in the face
A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over
Now I am a bit more informed thanks to 'Drink', this platform where got me to know I am not alone and the remedial centre I am presently in, has been an eye opener. I sense like I am heading home.